Procrastinator Time: Cleaning the Wardrobe

I like clothes. A lot. Like, A LOT. I like clothes so much that I am constantly cleaning out my closets (yes, I have two) to make room for new purchases. I’m aware that this is neither normal nor healthy behaviour, and my therapist and I have set aside time to work on it once we get through dealing with my daddy issues and unholy obsession with Law and Order: SVU.

I embark on a wardrobe cull every three or so months. This is not so much a seasonal thing as the general time it takes me to decided I hate everything I own. It usually starts with a niggling feeling about one particular item – a bag purchased on impulse, a pair of uncomfortable shoes – but before long I am questioning everything I have ever bought. And once the little voices in my head start nagging me, it is only a matter of time before the floor of my bedroom is covered in clothes. And bags. And shoes. And jewellery.

I am actually in the middle of a cull right now. If you could see into my house you would think it had recently been the scene of some sort of natural disaster that only affects clothing and accessories. Then again if you could see into my house right now I’d wonder why the hell you were looking into my house, you pervert.

Anyway, once my cupboards and drawers are empty, everything is divided into four piles: KEEP, SELL, SHARE, and BURN. The KEEP pile gets redistributed throughout my closets (again, YES, I have two); the SELL pile is dropped off at various consignment stores in the hope that my trash may be treasured by others; the SHARE pile is offered up as sartorial bribery to my nearest and dearest; and the BURN pile is dropped off at my local Vinnies.

But deciding what must go, and indeed to where it must be sent, can be hard. Feel my pain, readers. Feel my ridiculous, consumerist, spoiled brat pain.

And so I created the mini-questionnaire below to help me sort the raff from the riff. I create mini-questionnaires to deal with a lot of things in life. Don’t you wish you lived inside my head?

1.    Does it still fit me?

1.5    Does it REALLY still fit me?

2.    Do I own anything else that goes with it?

3.    Do I love it more off my body than on?

4.    Does it make me feel bad about myself in any way?

5.    Do I honestly think I’ll wear it again?

6.    Would I buy it now if I saw it in a shop?

7.    Is it something I want to save for my unborn daughters who will probably tell me they hate it and then fly off on their hover boards?

8.    If I sell it will it make any money?

9.    Was I drunk when I bought it?

10.    Am I drunk now?

I ask this set of questions about every item I am on the fence about, and it generally helps me come to a decision. However, I have become pretty brutal over the years and if I am questioning something at all, I usually get rid of it. Unless I am in fact drunk, in which case I am likely to keep everything for not wanting to hurt the clothes’ feelings.

I hope this helps you in your future wardrobe meltdown moments. Let’s be honest though, it probably won’t. Happy culling, comrades!